How To Help

When someone loses a child it can be tramatic for all those associated with the family. Just because you are a distant relative or friend does not mean you wont also feel loss and sadness. You are a part of the family too.

When dealing with someone who has lost their child use your best judgement. The parent will be an emotional mess and will be completly lost in the world.  If they need you with them then do so. If they tell you to leave them alone for a while then give them some time but dont take offense to this.  Some people mourn with others and some feel more comfortable mourning in private.

The parent may snap at you for something minor. Dont take offense to this. The parent is extremely emotionally unstable after the death. 

Most people dont know what to say to a parent who lost their child. Sometimes saying nothing is best. Instead of trying to come up with something fit for an inspiriational book just tell them you are there for them and that you are sorry.  A hug can mean more than anything you can say.

If you want to be there for them then let them bawl with you and let them talk out their emotions. Just sit and listen. Sometimes sitting around with a group of friends and just listening in on the conversation is very helpful for a grieving parent.  This allows them to drift back in forth with their memories and what the group is talking about no matter what the topic.  Dont force the parent into your conversation. Just being in the company of friends is helpful.

Do not try to understand what they are going through because honestly unless you have lost your own child you have no clue how much pain and agony they are going through. Grief can cause physical pain. Heartache and heartbreak are not just sayings. When you experience a major loss you feel like someone is stabbing you or squeezing your heart. The physical and emotional pain I experienced with the loss of my son was more than I could have ever imagined.

Never tell the parent you know what they are going through because you lost a parent, grandparent, or family pet.  It is not the same as what they are going through.  A child isnt suppose to die. A parent may die because of various reasons.  A grandparent is more likely expected to die because of age. I loved my dogs dearly but they were still just a pet.  A childs death is a taboo subject in our society.

Help out the parent any way you can.  When mourning some parents dont think about things like cleaning or cooking. Offer to clean their house, do the laundry or dishes, or make meals.  Many people are stubborn to accept help.  Our society has imprinted the idea of survivial of the fittest and the act of admitting you need help can be very difficult to do. If the parents continue to deny help then make up some meals and put them in bags or freezer containers and take them over to their house.  Leave them on the steps if you have to. If the parents get angry about you trying to help then back away but if they seem like they just dont want to bother you for help then do what you see fit.

Driving can be very difficult for parents.  Emotions can take over or they start daydreaming and are not fit to drive.  Tell them you are heading to the store and ask if theres anything they need picked up or offer to take them with you.

Never tell them to get over it. The parent will NEVER get over it. It will be something that they will have to deal with for the rest of their lives.  It doesnt matter if it has been a year or 30 years, a parent will always mourn.

Dont act like the child never existed.  On the childs birthday or death day do something nice for the parent.  As time goes on make comments about the child as it seems fit.  If the child was interested in monkeys and the two of you are out shopping and you see some cute monkey stuffed animals say something like (childs name) would have really liked these. It shows you remember their childs name, remember what they liked, and understand their child was a real person.Sometimes the most painful thing is the parent feels like people close to them are trying to hide the fact their child existed or feel like its better to block out everything related to the child.  This is especially true to parents who have miscarried, still birth, or other form of infant death.

If the parent has some of their childs things left out dont touch them unless you get permission. Some parents leave the childs room exactly the way it was. Some have a box or drawer of things hidden away.  Some have things left out on a mantle or table.  These are very special things to the parent. Treat them as if they were priceless relics because to the parent, they are.

Related Links:

Caring for Others - Bereavement Meals - Via PBS.org